Damn the Past that Damns Me Now.

Keywords incite wrath within me.
Certain scents in the air sicken me.
The look in their eyes frustrates me.
All the small things damn me.

I don't need this baggage, and I certainly don't appreciate it being hung on me,
cleaving to me and clawing inside.
I want to fall away from this, or have it fall from me. I'm losing this fight consistently.
I can't get a hold of myself, and I loathe the negativity that burns from this awful sensation.
I just want to know that it'll be okay. Because it will, but I need to hear it first..
Dammit.

My Butterflies are Vampires...

Love is a strange thing. I won't dance around all the different things about love; to the point, I like this girl. But I can't say what I'm thinking and feeling. That's troublesome. But I've been giving it some thought. I thought I was afraid of being rejected, or just failing in some way, but the truth is I'm more afraid to succeed. Weird, right? For the first time, I find myself afraid of getting the girl, not losing her or missing my shot. Yet I don't want to just quit and walk away. I've been seduced in a way... enchanted and certainly giddy about it all. But how do you swing not wanting to have her, and being with her at the same time? Being friends is easy, and that's out of the question. What do I do?

Our Proudest Moments.

It's easy for us to get caught up in the glory of all the things we do. We like to believe we are right in all, and wrong in none. This isn't always the case, but it doesn't disqualify the good in any being either. We all strive to become better; we want better familial bonds; we want better opportunities; we want better health and longer lives; we want to become gods betwixt the common people of this world. But we mustn't let faith become the enemy.
We find ourselves becoming better, not by our own feats of achieving more than others or by gain in general but, by serving those that have less than we do. We become stronger and wiser by learning where our faults lie, and when we are wrong and when we need to accept our mistakes. Not accept defeat, but just acknowledge our faults. And when we learn from our weaknesses and mistakes, accepting that we can become better, and that others can improve too by withholding judgement, we are better. These moments of true growth and service should be our proudest moments.

Courier - Invent, Animate

I have a message to send, to a world that doesn't want to hear it.
Stop walking backwards into the dark.
"Who's on my side?"
I find myself asking this question far too often when I,
I see a depiction of myself, but is this who I'm supposed to be?
I'm not answering questions anymore.
If I had a voice, I'd use to fill the void
If I had a cure, I swear to god I never tell the world.
The hands of time, the grains of life.
The hands of time, the grains of life.
It hurts to know they work side by side.
And when my life comes to an end, it's up to you to never forget.
In a life I never asked for, I can see the ancestry in me.
I still have this message to send, the family tree is dead to me.
I felt love for the first time when I stopped expecting it from the ones I held so high.
I felt hope in my bones for the first time when I walked in my own direction.
Return to sender.
Return to sender

The Darkin Blade

When I find myself pissed off, reminiscing in distant thoughts and wallowing in reveries without bliss, I like to be Aatrox, the Darkin Blade. I then proceed to wreck people with a freaking huge sword and feel like a real, overpowered, amazing, ancient blood god.

Good day.

My Life at this Moment

I'll keep this brief. I've been busy working on school work and trying to stay caught up in my grades, while honestly overindulging myself in playing League of Legends trying to get to gold from silver. I really need to stop so I can post more here, and do other things with my time. Although I don't really have too much to do from what I can see. I'll just do more service. Also I plan on switching jobs, but I don't know when, beside soon, and I wanna get something that's better than where I'm at, or there's no point in leaving. I have it pretty good right now, but I need something more. So that's what's up. Peace!

Alone, and Soul.

For the first time since being here, I felt some connection to my old self. It was welcoming. I had once lost my heart in the life around me. Last night I had found it again, in the Vestibule of Vestiges. I lost my heart, but I got it back. Right? But what does a heart signify? What does it mean? Love.

I remembered the vision of that night with Varan, and looking out the window at the two people. I had inquired about love, for I didn't understand it then. And all my life I hadn't understood it. My heart, which was likely symbolic of love, was gone all my life. And being here, I think I'm supposed to find love. Or maybe I've already found love.

I was alone in my room. I hadn't fallen asleep since I woke up four hours early, leaving Wrael by the hearth. I laid in bed for those silent hours, staring at my dark ceiling. I was thinking the whole time, not tired in the least bit; in fact I felt like I had the best sleep of my life. And since I wasn't falling asleep, my thoughts kept me company. I pondered the Vestibule, and its profound significance. It was a strange realm, but it was important. There were still many doors to be opened, things lost in my life to recover. I would recover them all at any cost, because for once, I felt I had a chance to become something grand. I had love again, so I would love all others.

"Yes! Love!", a voice said to me. I sat up, looking around and very confused. I was alone. Wrael had not come into my room, and I wouldn't have allowed him to regardless. In fact, my door was still closed. I had locked it, but it was still locked. I laid back down. "'Yes'... 'Love'..." I echoed softly to myself. And then I felt something stir within. Deep down inside. Something the man called a soul... 'Yes! Love!' came the voice again. Soul? I asked in my mind. "Yes?", came the reply. I gasped, and froze. I didn't move for what seemed an hour, but in all reality only a few minutes had passed by. Soul, are you really there? 
"Of course!" 
. . . What are you?

The idea of talking to my soul seemed strange, but I remembered that it spoke to me once before, about love. Maybe there was a connection here. I continued talking to Soul. How can I speak to you?
"You only need to listen to your heart."
I never had a heart before, though...
"Haha, silly! You've always had a heart. You only forgot what was important about it. That's all."
How could I forget what's important? I think I know what's important!
"Ama, you've forgotten many things. You almost forgot about me. . ."
'Ama. . .'
"Yes! It was what you used to call yourself. When you knew what you truly wanted. But you lost your way."
How'd I do that?
"You became self-centered. You forgot your love of anything, but yourself. And who can blame you? The world almost ended. But when hope was restored, your love wasn't. You continued to treat yourself to anything you wanted."
. . . 
"It's okay. That's why you've been dreaming. We're trying to restore you."
Where am I?
"I cannot answer that--"
Why not?
"I don't know the answer."
So how can you possibly help me then?
"It doesn't matter where you are on the outside, if you're lost inside. When you find yourself, you'll know where you are."
That's really helpful! I thought sarcastically.

"There's no need to mock me."
I'm just thinking this conversation to myself...
"You just need to love again"
I'm thinking this whole thing up. I must be dreaming still.
"You're not dreaming."
Says who? Me!
"Love again, Ama."
I guess that elf is kind of cute...
"'NO! That's not love. I can feel it deep inside: that isn't love.'" came the echo of the past.
. . . 
"I'm not just another train of thought. You forgot about what I said long before."
I'm sorry.
"You don't need to apologize to me. It's been so long since you last have heard from me. You've forgotten what it's like."
What are you? 
"I'm your soul. You named me Soul, and I once guided you."
Then you're like my conscience?
"Something like that. But I don't tell you right from wrong. I guide you to inquiry of things that are right and wrong. I am the voice that leads you to question things of yourself."
Same difference I suppose. . . Why did you come back?
"Ha, I didn't come back-- You came back! You found your heart in the Vestibule of Vestiges. You came back to your senses, more or less, and found me along with it. Returned is a better word than found though."
You were in my heart the whole time? Why? And you were the one that put me in the hellish nightmare, weren't you?
"No, to both. I've got many connections to the heart, but I'm not a part of it as a whole. And I never sent you there. When someone becomes so bereft of things, they find their way there, in order to restore themselves. I never sent you there, but I guarantee we will return. Together, this time."

I shook my head. I didn't want to go back, and this whole conversation in my head was starting to hurt it. But I felt some relieved. I had my heart back. I remembered brief moments of Soul in my childhood. I smirked; I couldn't help but feel a bit crazy carrying on a conversation in my head, with a voice that wasn't mine. Soul was kind to me. She was simple, direct, and most importantly kind. There were so many things I wanted to ask her. I couldn't gather my thoughts to direct any sort of question though. Not one of any major importance anyway.

Soul, what's going to happen to me?
"You're going to learn your lessons, and become the best Amanalii you could possibly be."
By why here? Why not at home?
"Can this not be your home?"
It can be, but where are we. Where am I? Why am I here?
"It does not matter. You are here; you are alive."
Yeah. . .
". . ."
I'm scared, honestly.
"I know. I'm scared too."
What are you scared of?
"I just have the chance to speak with you again, Ama. There's so much I've wanted to say all these years, and you finally listen. I don't want to lose you again. And I don't know what does happen next. It's up to you. I'm scared, because I don't want you to fail. I believe you in though."
Soul. . . what is love?

If Soul had a face, she would be smiling. I felt her burn within me. It was a comforting warmth, not painful. I could tell she was excited to tell me. But her answer was lacking.

"It is what you want it to be. Love fills you. It completes you. Love can be anything and everything. I love you, for without you I am nothing. Literally nothing. Love can be shared, mutual, and connected. It can be felt by only one. Love makes you happy. Love makes you pink!"
Love makes me pink?
"You'll understand when you love again."
Soul, where will you go when we don't speak?
"Nowhere. I abide in your heart, but I speak through your mind. I can be in either of those places. I am every bit of you. From the crown of your head, to the tip of your toes; I am everywhere you go!"
You are my soul, so that makes sense. 
"Now you are beginning to understand! Though, you've quite changed. . ."
'Changed' how?
"Somehow. I don't know. It's a physical one."
You can't remember everything either, can you?
"I'm afraid I only have some many pieces. I'm your soul, after all."

All these things were coming together. Soul was my soul. If I died somewhere, she died with me in that time. Meaning we have a shared blackout moment. We don't remember our fall. The difference was her perspective. We didn't see the same way, even if we're one. I didn't mind all that though. I felt inspired! I felt hopeful for something more. Suddenly, I was tired again. I curled up in my covers, and hid my head underneath the sheets. It was light out now, and the city was moving more quickly than before. I would just stay here with Soul though. The day didn't need me yet.

Soul?
"Yes?"
. . . Do I love - -