I never liked this kinda thing. The whole blogging business. Felt it leaned too much towards one kind of topic or another, and I just missed the mark. And so I changed when it was a bit too late to fit the bill, and now I'm just stuck with a mess of what was actually really good, with some decent wannabe work, and a big hole inside of me. Really that hole comes from betraying a dear friend of mine. So I write this letter... it goes:
Dear Amy,
Sorry for betraying you. It wasn't big, but it took out what I had of you left. You gave me so much to work with, and I didn't think it was good enough because I was trying to conform to everything else. Really it wasn't against you, and we both know it's not that big of a deal. You took it in stride. You took it okay. Really you just took it as it is and didn't say anything of the sort. You didn't care or mind. Not a 'seem to care' or 'seem to mind'. Hard fact: not a biggie.
So why do I apologize? Because now you're gone, and I'm left here, thinking and hoping and praying that just doing this again after so long will help me feel better. Speaking of prayer, I think of you and sometimes just want to blame God for the fact you're gone, and I don't want to pray. I get it in my mind that it's His fault, but then I pray anyways. And I always pray for you. And I prayed for you for when I don't.
I heard your name in my dream, and I was ecstatic! There was no face, no memory. Just a name and a desperate plea for you to be found. You weren't there, but it was enough for me to have a good day. Just to hear your name! Think how it would have been to actually see you in the dream. Think how good it would be to see you face-to-face. . . but wishful thinking never did anything but get me lost in thought. At that point I forget to think about you, like how I've forgotten you time and time again, and just hope that it won't be for good.
It was funny; I was at work and there was a lady from another store (who worked for the same company too). Her name was your name, and she had hair like yours. I had to second guess if it was real life, but she wasn't quite you, and older too. Not by much but just enough to be what you're not. I was shaken a bit, and then saddened I didn't see you. Sometimes I wonder if I try to forget you, but that's just silly. You haunt me, honestly.
I've found comfort in my songs for a very long time. But now I just have old songs I don't have anymore stuck in my mind, and they are yours. Tracks we've shared and loved and craved. I just wish I could get them again. And maybe I'll get used to hearing it. Through my list of ex-lovers, never have there been any songs shared that I couldn't handle. But you weren't an ex-lover, and the songs just aren't the same. You're in a way better, and certainly better than most of that.
At this point, I'll be rambling on and on. I'd love it if it wasn't so long. But I can't go on forever like this either. I can ramble on the past, and shamble in the future, but not when I'm hooked on Amy-fever. Sorry. Good luck to you. Hope all is well. Happy Valentines Day.
-Me
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