My Butterflies are Vampires...

Love is a strange thing. I won't dance around all the different things about love; to the point, I like this girl. But I can't say what I'm thinking and feeling. That's troublesome. But I've been giving it some thought. I thought I was afraid of being rejected, or just failing in some way, but the truth is I'm more afraid to succeed. Weird, right? For the first time, I find myself afraid of getting the girl, not losing her or missing my shot. Yet I don't want to just quit and walk away. I've been seduced in a way... enchanted and certainly giddy about it all. But how do you swing not wanting to have her, and being with her at the same time? Being friends is easy, and that's out of the question. What do I do?

Our Proudest Moments.

It's easy for us to get caught up in the glory of all the things we do. We like to believe we are right in all, and wrong in none. This isn't always the case, but it doesn't disqualify the good in any being either. We all strive to become better; we want better familial bonds; we want better opportunities; we want better health and longer lives; we want to become gods betwixt the common people of this world. But we mustn't let faith become the enemy.
We find ourselves becoming better, not by our own feats of achieving more than others or by gain in general but, by serving those that have less than we do. We become stronger and wiser by learning where our faults lie, and when we are wrong and when we need to accept our mistakes. Not accept defeat, but just acknowledge our faults. And when we learn from our weaknesses and mistakes, accepting that we can become better, and that others can improve too by withholding judgement, we are better. These moments of true growth and service should be our proudest moments.

Courier - Invent, Animate

I have a message to send, to a world that doesn't want to hear it.
Stop walking backwards into the dark.
"Who's on my side?"
I find myself asking this question far too often when I,
I see a depiction of myself, but is this who I'm supposed to be?
I'm not answering questions anymore.
If I had a voice, I'd use to fill the void
If I had a cure, I swear to god I never tell the world.
The hands of time, the grains of life.
The hands of time, the grains of life.
It hurts to know they work side by side.
And when my life comes to an end, it's up to you to never forget.
In a life I never asked for, I can see the ancestry in me.
I still have this message to send, the family tree is dead to me.
I felt love for the first time when I stopped expecting it from the ones I held so high.
I felt hope in my bones for the first time when I walked in my own direction.
Return to sender.
Return to sender

The Darkin Blade

When I find myself pissed off, reminiscing in distant thoughts and wallowing in reveries without bliss, I like to be Aatrox, the Darkin Blade. I then proceed to wreck people with a freaking huge sword and feel like a real, overpowered, amazing, ancient blood god.

Good day.

My Life at this Moment

I'll keep this brief. I've been busy working on school work and trying to stay caught up in my grades, while honestly overindulging myself in playing League of Legends trying to get to gold from silver. I really need to stop so I can post more here, and do other things with my time. Although I don't really have too much to do from what I can see. I'll just do more service. Also I plan on switching jobs, but I don't know when, beside soon, and I wanna get something that's better than where I'm at, or there's no point in leaving. I have it pretty good right now, but I need something more. So that's what's up. Peace!

Alone, and Soul.

For the first time since being here, I felt some connection to my old self. It was welcoming. I had once lost my heart in the life around me. Last night I had found it again, in the Vestibule of Vestiges. I lost my heart, but I got it back. Right? But what does a heart signify? What does it mean? Love.

I remembered the vision of that night with Varan, and looking out the window at the two people. I had inquired about love, for I didn't understand it then. And all my life I hadn't understood it. My heart, which was likely symbolic of love, was gone all my life. And being here, I think I'm supposed to find love. Or maybe I've already found love.

I was alone in my room. I hadn't fallen asleep since I woke up four hours early, leaving Wrael by the hearth. I laid in bed for those silent hours, staring at my dark ceiling. I was thinking the whole time, not tired in the least bit; in fact I felt like I had the best sleep of my life. And since I wasn't falling asleep, my thoughts kept me company. I pondered the Vestibule, and its profound significance. It was a strange realm, but it was important. There were still many doors to be opened, things lost in my life to recover. I would recover them all at any cost, because for once, I felt I had a chance to become something grand. I had love again, so I would love all others.

"Yes! Love!", a voice said to me. I sat up, looking around and very confused. I was alone. Wrael had not come into my room, and I wouldn't have allowed him to regardless. In fact, my door was still closed. I had locked it, but it was still locked. I laid back down. "'Yes'... 'Love'..." I echoed softly to myself. And then I felt something stir within. Deep down inside. Something the man called a soul... 'Yes! Love!' came the voice again. Soul? I asked in my mind. "Yes?", came the reply. I gasped, and froze. I didn't move for what seemed an hour, but in all reality only a few minutes had passed by. Soul, are you really there? 
"Of course!" 
. . . What are you?

The idea of talking to my soul seemed strange, but I remembered that it spoke to me once before, about love. Maybe there was a connection here. I continued talking to Soul. How can I speak to you?
"You only need to listen to your heart."
I never had a heart before, though...
"Haha, silly! You've always had a heart. You only forgot what was important about it. That's all."
How could I forget what's important? I think I know what's important!
"Ama, you've forgotten many things. You almost forgot about me. . ."
'Ama. . .'
"Yes! It was what you used to call yourself. When you knew what you truly wanted. But you lost your way."
How'd I do that?
"You became self-centered. You forgot your love of anything, but yourself. And who can blame you? The world almost ended. But when hope was restored, your love wasn't. You continued to treat yourself to anything you wanted."
. . . 
"It's okay. That's why you've been dreaming. We're trying to restore you."
Where am I?
"I cannot answer that--"
Why not?
"I don't know the answer."
So how can you possibly help me then?
"It doesn't matter where you are on the outside, if you're lost inside. When you find yourself, you'll know where you are."
That's really helpful! I thought sarcastically.

"There's no need to mock me."
I'm just thinking this conversation to myself...
"You just need to love again"
I'm thinking this whole thing up. I must be dreaming still.
"You're not dreaming."
Says who? Me!
"Love again, Ama."
I guess that elf is kind of cute...
"'NO! That's not love. I can feel it deep inside: that isn't love.'" came the echo of the past.
. . . 
"I'm not just another train of thought. You forgot about what I said long before."
I'm sorry.
"You don't need to apologize to me. It's been so long since you last have heard from me. You've forgotten what it's like."
What are you? 
"I'm your soul. You named me Soul, and I once guided you."
Then you're like my conscience?
"Something like that. But I don't tell you right from wrong. I guide you to inquiry of things that are right and wrong. I am the voice that leads you to question things of yourself."
Same difference I suppose. . . Why did you come back?
"Ha, I didn't come back-- You came back! You found your heart in the Vestibule of Vestiges. You came back to your senses, more or less, and found me along with it. Returned is a better word than found though."
You were in my heart the whole time? Why? And you were the one that put me in the hellish nightmare, weren't you?
"No, to both. I've got many connections to the heart, but I'm not a part of it as a whole. And I never sent you there. When someone becomes so bereft of things, they find their way there, in order to restore themselves. I never sent you there, but I guarantee we will return. Together, this time."

I shook my head. I didn't want to go back, and this whole conversation in my head was starting to hurt it. But I felt some relieved. I had my heart back. I remembered brief moments of Soul in my childhood. I smirked; I couldn't help but feel a bit crazy carrying on a conversation in my head, with a voice that wasn't mine. Soul was kind to me. She was simple, direct, and most importantly kind. There were so many things I wanted to ask her. I couldn't gather my thoughts to direct any sort of question though. Not one of any major importance anyway.

Soul, what's going to happen to me?
"You're going to learn your lessons, and become the best Amanalii you could possibly be."
By why here? Why not at home?
"Can this not be your home?"
It can be, but where are we. Where am I? Why am I here?
"It does not matter. You are here; you are alive."
Yeah. . .
". . ."
I'm scared, honestly.
"I know. I'm scared too."
What are you scared of?
"I just have the chance to speak with you again, Ama. There's so much I've wanted to say all these years, and you finally listen. I don't want to lose you again. And I don't know what does happen next. It's up to you. I'm scared, because I don't want you to fail. I believe you in though."
Soul. . . what is love?

If Soul had a face, she would be smiling. I felt her burn within me. It was a comforting warmth, not painful. I could tell she was excited to tell me. But her answer was lacking.

"It is what you want it to be. Love fills you. It completes you. Love can be anything and everything. I love you, for without you I am nothing. Literally nothing. Love can be shared, mutual, and connected. It can be felt by only one. Love makes you happy. Love makes you pink!"
Love makes me pink?
"You'll understand when you love again."
Soul, where will you go when we don't speak?
"Nowhere. I abide in your heart, but I speak through your mind. I can be in either of those places. I am every bit of you. From the crown of your head, to the tip of your toes; I am everywhere you go!"
You are my soul, so that makes sense. 
"Now you are beginning to understand! Though, you've quite changed. . ."
'Changed' how?
"Somehow. I don't know. It's a physical one."
You can't remember everything either, can you?
"I'm afraid I only have some many pieces. I'm your soul, after all."

All these things were coming together. Soul was my soul. If I died somewhere, she died with me in that time. Meaning we have a shared blackout moment. We don't remember our fall. The difference was her perspective. We didn't see the same way, even if we're one. I didn't mind all that though. I felt inspired! I felt hopeful for something more. Suddenly, I was tired again. I curled up in my covers, and hid my head underneath the sheets. It was light out now, and the city was moving more quickly than before. I would just stay here with Soul though. The day didn't need me yet.

Soul?
"Yes?"
. . . Do I love - -

Love is Confusion

Love is confusion. What more is there to say? I've yet to not be confounded by loving someone! But I endure. It's only confusion.

Time to Catch Up!

I'm planning on releasing a new addition to the Amanalii Stories. SO it would be the next part in the story. If you haven't read any of them, I suggest you go and read at least the first one, and the last one in no particular order. The first helps set the stage in a very minute details from the character's perspective. The latest just sets the stage for the next part. All the context is in between. Go read them if you have time.

I haven't figured out how to order them so it's in an easier format to go from the first to the next, but I'll try to tinker with that. Enjoy. I'll get the next part out, and straighten out the order everything appears as on here.

Glad You're Well..

I saw that new picture. Glad you're doing well. Thanks for (NOT) asking about me. I'm just fine. Keep playing your games. Someday you'll grow up, get well, and think about everyone else as well. I try to...
I won't rain on your parade anymore. Just enjoy.


See ya around. . .

The Dream's Right Here..

Here's the sweet and condensed can of milk for everyone: I want to build an MMO, but there's a lot of problems that go along with it.

1. High Cost. Just typing it in the main page of Google shows about $50M, plus server cost. Now, I don't know how accurate that is, or if that figure will remain relevant, but the takeaway is that it's millions of dollars initially, plus thousands of dollars monthly to support servers, if one aims to make a good MMO. Free made ones where you spend chump change or less on a server may not make a great game, but it's FREE, even if it takes decades to make.. NO.
2. Standards. Essentially, different people, different standards. Hard to make the perfect game when there's a lot of different wants and needs.
3. Saturation. This speaks for itself. There's at least half a dozen really well made MMOs out there, and a few dozen in total of varying qualities. 
4. Competition. This goes along with Saturation, but the idea is that I want to be as good as WoW or SWTOR or GW2, etc., etc.. Any bigger named titles, and certainly more to come.
5. Dedication. What makes anything really succeed in life? Dedication! I'm dedicated to this idea, because it's something I am passionate about. Not everyone is though, and it's harder to get people on board with MY idea alone. Doesn't mean I don't have any support of varying degrees, but I'm feeling very alone on journey to this.
6. Content. At least every week, if not daily, I refine or innovate or apply a new idea to my concept game. This makes for a lot of content to put in. But the more I add, the more work it'll take, and the more crowded the game could potentially become. 
7. Time and Experience. I've never made a single video game before. I've never programmed anything. But I have this vision, so even if I could lead a group of developers and programmers and techs into the fray of the gaming world, I lack the experience needed to guide everything properly. The other issue is time, which I lack to educate myself properly, since I'm applying myself to work to sustain myself, and to educate myself in geneds at college. Not too mention, the longer I have this put off, the less of a reality it may become. I'm battling the clock.
8. Vision. I touched on this point lightly in number 5, but the main idea is that a lot of games I feel lack a vision. They just make a game that has a direction, but where does it end, and what is it you really want from it? The second part to it is that from reading about a player-base insight is that there is a lot of cynicism for good MMOs. They lack the vision of seeing a new fresh idea come out anytime soon. That leads me to point three; I'm feeling alone. I have a good sister to support me, but I really have no one that believes in me, or they do so halfheartedly. When I ask my close friends if they'll want to play, they ALWAYS tell me they probably won't have time. I understand that it may be true, but for Heaven's sake you could at least say you'd try. Just ducking out and dodging my game based on what you may do in your future doesn't help me. I feel like it's being avoided like the plague, more than just a concern of time to be quite honest. So thanks a lot for having some genuine hope in my vision. 

All in all, it's not what I'm giving up on. If you're curious about it, ask me. If you want to support me in any way, please do so. I'm not asking for anything though. Just that you'd read and consider your dreams and goals. Mine's right here, so wish me luck on it.

Music, and it's Power to Me

I ask a lot of people what they like to listen to. The say anything. But when asked what they don't like, they can come up with something. I like everything though. It all depends on what and when and where though. And not everything always hits it off with me. Somethings better than others though.

The right song, and the right sound, and the right lyrics all in perfect place makes a massive impact. It is powerful, and I like to ... feed off it, for lack of a better word right now. I feel with the right song, I can overcome anything. I wish I could share each song, and each feeling attached, but I can't. People may not always like it, and they certainly wouldn't understand the significance. But if you have a good song worth sharing, SHARE IT! You never know what power it could have.

Welcome!

TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read)

I'm doing blogging again. This was for a school class in high school. I'm gonna do it for myself now. I'll keep all the old stuff, and I'm resurrecting what I've labeled as Amanalii Stories. Check em out. I'll do some Tl;Dr abridgments on them now and then.

All the old stuff is buried, so you may need to go digging if it's interesting. Most of the new stuff I'll put up may be simple for the most part. I'll get fancy later. So.. yeah. More to come. More to add to this.

Be nice. Be courteous. Be clean. Be grand. Have fun.

Fire It Up Again.

For all intents and purposes, I'll probably be firing up blogger again. Maybe posting some college papers on here for feedback sake, and not as a form of plagiarism  because it's for feedback and not really to call something my own. I hope none of you ever plagiarize something, and I don't condone it. Either way, we'll see where that goes. Also, share this link around to your new blogging buddies (I'm looking at you Bligert..).
Just FYI. Be Grand!

Valentines Elegy, or something of the likes.

I never liked this kinda thing. The whole blogging business. Felt it leaned too much towards one kind of topic or another, and I just missed the mark. And so I changed when it was a bit too late to fit the bill, and now I'm just stuck with a mess of what was actually really good, with some decent wannabe work, and a big hole inside of me. Really that hole comes from betraying a dear friend of mine. So I write this letter... it goes:

Dear Amy,

       Sorry for betraying you. It wasn't big, but it took out what I had of you left. You gave me so much to work with, and I didn't think it was good enough because I was trying to conform to everything else. Really it wasn't against you, and we both know it's not that big of a deal. You took it in stride. You took it okay. Really you just took it as it is and didn't say anything of the sort. You didn't care or mind. Not a 'seem to care' or 'seem to mind'. Hard fact: not a biggie.

       So why do I apologize? Because now you're gone, and I'm left here, thinking and hoping and praying that just doing this again after so long will help me feel better. Speaking of prayer, I think of you and sometimes just want to blame God for the fact you're gone, and I don't want to pray. I get it in my mind that it's His fault, but then I pray anyways. And I always pray for you. And I prayed for you for when I don't.

       I heard your name in my dream, and I was ecstatic! There was no face, no memory. Just a name and a desperate plea for you to be found. You weren't there, but it was enough for me to have a good day. Just to hear your name! Think how it would have been to actually see you in the dream. Think how good it would be to see you face-to-face. . . but wishful thinking never did anything but get me lost in thought. At that point I forget to think about you, like how I've forgotten you time and time again, and just hope that it won't be for good.

       It was funny; I was at work and there was a lady from another store (who worked for the same company too). Her name was your name, and she had hair like yours. I had to second guess if it was real life, but she wasn't quite you, and older too. Not by much but just enough to be what you're not. I was shaken a bit, and then saddened I didn't see you. Sometimes I wonder if I try to forget you, but that's just silly. You haunt me, honestly.

       I've found comfort in my songs for a very long time. But now I just have old songs I don't have anymore stuck in my mind, and they are yours. Tracks we've shared and loved and craved. I just wish I could get them again. And maybe I'll get used to hearing it. Through my list of ex-lovers, never have there been any songs shared that I couldn't handle. But you weren't an ex-lover, and the songs just aren't the same. You're in a way better, and certainly better than most of that.

       At this point, I'll be rambling on and on. I'd love it if it wasn't so long. But I can't go on forever like this either. I can ramble on the past, and shamble in the future, but not when I'm hooked on Amy-fever. Sorry. Good luck to you. Hope all is well. Happy Valentines Day.

                                                                        -Me